The Number of Our Days

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From our first breath,

Straight from the womb,

We average twenty five thousand

Nine hundred fifteen days,

Of welcoming the sun,

Falling asleep under the moon.

You can buy a car for that much,

But it won’t have leather,

Or a back-up camera,

Or, probably GPS.

His doctor said, two and half years,

The average in late stage prostate cancer,

But I like to think,

Nine hundred twelve and a half days.

Nine hundred twelve times

To welcome the sun,

Nine hundred twelve times

To fall asleep under the moon

And a half day left over,

To dream about both.

Meditation On Touching a Horse

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You can feel the warm blood

Under his summer coat,

Sun-slick and shiney,

Sweat, that smells of grass,

Which is to say, sweet,

His breathing, his gut-sounds.

Take a moment and trace,

With the palm of your open hand,

From the softness of his muzzle

To the enclave between ears,

Then down along his thick neck,

Under the chestnut of his mane.

Keep sliding your hand along his withers,

To his broad back and belly,

His hips, buttocks, tail.

Take the trust and the quiet

Into your heart

And unfold it over and over

Throughout your day.

Think, grace.

Think, gratitude.

Think, peace.

Hope.

Where Are You Beautiful?

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Who are you,

And where are you beautiful,

Where’s your song,

And what you want to be?

Tell me now,

Where are you beautiful,

What makes you cry,

What makes you sing?

Lose yourself,

In all that is beautiful,

What’s torn apart,

What’s crumbling.

Let me hear

Your sweet sound,

What you want to say

When no one can see.

It’s you and me

On the edge of losing

All we have,

To eternity.

Hog Lake

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cowboy looking at fishlake

There are dirt roads that bend

‘Round still lakes and extend forever

Atop basalt cliffs, between sagebrush

And serviceberry, balsamroot,

And the periwinkle twinkling of camas blossom.

You can travel down those roads,

But you’ll always be a stranger,

And they’ll always speak a language

You don’t quite understand.

There are dirt roads that pass by waterfalls,

Pouring themselves out,

In radiant rush,

Step by step, shelf by shelf,

Into the calm of Hog Lake,

While the red tails swirl above,

Thinking of fish or water

Or returning to their nests.

You can travel down those roads,

But you’ll always be a stranger,

And they’ll always speak a language

You don’t quite understand.

But travel there anyway

And try to memorize the inflection of bees,

Or the longing in the song of the spring swallow.

Listen for the whisper of grass

Beneath mule deer and coyote.

And, while you’re there,

Send up a prayer of thanks,

A wish, for it to go on and on and on.

hog lake falls

An Empty Nest

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They always said how wonderful

The house, emptied of chaos:

Ceaseless noise, busyness, broken things.

Think of all you can do, they said,

And I imagined myself traveling:

Rome, Ireland, rural Maine.

When baby birds fly away,

The parents also disappear,

The nest emptied, quiet, molding,

Until the next spring,

When it’s borrowed anew,

Re-imagined with mud and straw,

And hair from the horse’s mane.

I understand what it’s like,

The need to take flight

From the quiet beds.

What’s the point of the nest

With no throat-open birds,

Waiting to be fed?

Death Is For Later

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Life’s not the breath you take,
The breathing in and out
That gets you through the day
Ain’t what it’s all about.
You just might miss the point
Trying to win the race.
Life’s not the breaths you take,
But the moments
That take your breath away.

George Strait

 

3.

Have you ever noticed the beauty

Of a star-filled winter night,

Your breath radiant,

Twinkling in fine, frozen mist.

The quiet,

That’s not quiet, really,

But stillness:

Your heart beating,

Your cheeks stinging,

Your life framed amidst tree-shadows,

Moon whispers,

And incredible, fathomless wonder

At being alive.

 

 

His Own Springtime

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A few words might satisfy

The feverish yearning of my soul

for some master-thought,

That should guide me

Through this labyrinth of life,

Teaching wherefore I was born,

And how to do my task on earth,

And what is death.

Nathaniel Hawthorne, from Monsieur du Miroir

 

 

When the shadow is lifted,

There’s the only the boy,

And the first thing he does

Is become a man,

(Maybe sensing himself for the first time)

The buffer is gone; it’s him alone,

And a great wonder swells in his mind,

What can I do?

His eyes focus

On the yellow of the weeping willow against snow,

The sun caught and frozen there,

And he hears and turns his head

toward the cardinal whose red coat flashes

In front of him, like blood against snow.

He thinks of his dad standing amazed

at that same blood-red plumage,

And the man before him,

and before him, and so on.

There is nothing he can do now, at this time,

Except reflect and build energy

toward his own springtime,

And picture himself budding there,

His roots laid deep in the soil of his ancestry,

Their many failings,

(He still feels it)

Their many successes,

All of it now merging.

He knows, this will be his own final push,

Man, alone, stripped,

Stretching his whole being toward a sun

That is so often obscured,

So often, radiant and warm.

Oxygen

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You’re not gone yet,
Or, are you,
Floating somewhere,
Possibly beside me here
as I write this poem, play this song.
Do you hear the music I hear—
Know my thoughts—
Feel what it is to be emptied?
The lungs close in on themselves
And all around us is less than we need—
Want—wish for—desperately fight to breathe.
Tell me there’s an afterlife,
A place where you’ll wait,
All things separated, rejoined,
The things we can feel,
And the things we believe are here,
Even when we cannot see.

Beautiful World On the Edge of Dying

The world is most beautiful

On the edge of death:

Mid-October geraniums,

Profuse with crimson petals,

Dense green leaves,

Gather in tight families

Around the Aspen’s knee.

The roses,

Who struggled in heat,

Explode in bunches of white

Their outstretched arms

Wind loosely over the tattered fence.

The Aspen’s petioles fade to yellow,

Its leaves are framed with yellow,

The birds flittering among its branches

Tipping in gentle wind.

There is no snow, no stinging cold,

No blister of heat, or ankle-deep mud,

Only knowing it will all end soon,

The landscape will dull,

The skies will drop with silence,

As we’ll wait, and wait,

For what has already been.

Early Fall Ride: Palisades Park

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You should have wished for rain,
But you relished the sun, instead,
And the sweet smell of orchard grass,
In the pinto’s October sweat.
Before you left,
You stood under the bow,
And plucked an apple,
Ripe with the full bloom
Of a long summer.
You held it outstretched
Until all that was left
Was the juice, and the salt
From the palm of your open hand.

You should have wished for rain,
But you relished the sun, instead,
And his slow steps down steep trails,
Adrift of dirt and loose chunks of basalt.
The robin and wren, tree swallows and chickadees,
Flitted among branches of Ponderosa, Serviceberry,
and the Hawthorn with its dangerous nails,
While you thought of nothing but that,
And how your horse’s mane felt in your hands.

Becoming Autumn

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Morning comes late,
And the autumn sun trembles
through Aspen arms.
Didn’t you say,
If the sun didn’t rise,
Or set, there’d be no time?
Yesterday, the eggs were cold,
In a nest of mud, and hay,
And strands from the pinto’s mane;
Such that, even the barn
Closes in on silence.
The family of cats, hunkered down
Behind fresh stacks of alfalfa,
Grow fat on a sudden flush of quail,
And the sun sets sooner now.
At last night’s fire,
You were shocked
At what the old man wasn’t afraid to say.
Later, you laughed at what he’d said,
Talked of the freedom of age,
And the benign closing of our souls.

First try:

The Autumn sun rises late,
Through the arms of Aspen,
Trembling in slow, cool wind.

Second Try:

The late-rising, Autumn sun,
Trembles through the Aspen’s arms,
In a slow, cool wind.

The Worst Thing About Dying

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What’s the worst thing, she asked,

About dying?

The stars, I said, As I leave the barn,

My horses, buried nose-deep in Timothy.

The pounding dirt, I said,

The Irish Wolfhound’s lope,

And the dust of her joy.

My children, I said, Their hate of me,

Then, their love of me.

I will miss all of that.

 

What’s the scariest thing, she asked,

About dying?

It ends in dust, I said,

That upon my death, 

I really die. 

That I am finite, and not

Like the stars, 

That all I am, all I know,

All I feel, is less than the dust

Of the stars, I said.

Room 19, Code Blue

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Immediate resuscitation required.
Sorrow begins in the pharynx,
Descends to the heart and lungs,
Or so you think, because it hurts,
Then, you’re bawling.
You’re sure they announced,
Room nineteen, Code Blue,
Watched enough ER to know
He must be dead or dying.
But then you think,
Because you can’t believe,
Really, such tragedies happen to yours,
Maybe Code Blue means something else,
Like, Get here fast and help,
And, as you start to console yourself,
Convince yourself you were wrong,
The nurse returns to where you sit,
Tells you it was a different Room 19,
A different person in Code Blue,
And you’re relieved,
Utterly relieved, and free.
Until today,
When you begin to wonder
If someday, someone will be relieved
You’re the one in Room 19, Code Blue,
Rather than their own,
Precious, little boy.

What We’ll Remember

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These
Are the things you’ll remember,
Not the big things.

****

Small, small things:

One leaf touched by the sun,

One small smell.

When we are dying,

I promise you,

The memories you will have,

In your last seconds,

Are about these small things

Touching our skin:

One leaf,

One moment with your child.

Not the big things.

We will remember the small things.

These small things are added

To a fulfilled life,

Or not.

Not the big things.

From “The Path of the Horse” Documentary

Klaus Hempfling